I’m ready to begin a Charlie Bronson vigilante campaign against teenage hoodlums that terrorize their families and our neighborhoods. How I would love to shatter the knee caps, prune the tongues and staple the lips of these demonic kids I see disrespecting their parents, elders and others with impunity.

With it being illegal to dust these little bastions of bad behavior (unless they commit a forcible felony against me) I’ve come up with an alternative avenue to release my angst, as most efforts to change these terrible teens are hopeless. Only by becoming the prison bride of a big guy in jail, catching an STD or via a Damascus Road experience will these Legion-possessed lemmings leave their path of doom.

Therefore, I’ve decided to turn to you, the new parent, and give you some guidance in rearing that fresh little bambino God has just blessed you with. Omit these foundational lessons, and your kid will probably try to stab you in your sleep for not getting him the new Nikes he asked for.

The principles I’m about to volley into your court are not new or original. They have been a part of the South and its heritage for many years, and their roots are biblical. Herewith is my ripped-off version of the recipe I got from Clint Johnson (who got it from Emily Post, who got it from whomever) for Southern Fried Children.

1. Don’t flaunt your advantages. The Southern Fried Child doesn’t flaunt who they are, where they went to school or their net worth. Yeah, the bells and smells, the incense and nonsense afforded by certain advantages (earned or otherwise) don't mean Shiite to a Southerner if used as a fig leaf to veil ones lack of character and humility.

2. Everyone deserves respect until they demonstrate they don’t deserve it. The Southern Fried Child believes that all men are created in the image of God and should be treated with respect until that person shows they don’t deserve it (like Rosie does on a daily basis).

That means you don’t slap, spit or drop the F-bomb on your parents, sonny boy. I asked Ted Nugent one time what he would do if one of his sons told him to F-off like Kelly and Jack Osborne regularly tell Ozzy and Sharon to do. Ted said, “I’d tear off their head and _______ down their throat.”

It’s amazing to watch 3, 5 & 15 year-old kids unleash their venom on their parents and others and then walk away smacking their gum. If my kids ever did that to me or their mom, their teeth would be lying on the ground. The Southern Fried Child respects parents, old people, teachers, police, peers and opponents—unless forced by said person to do otherwise. Continued...