News item: President Bush taps John Bolton for U.N. Ambassador.
 
 Dear John,

 Congratulations on the new gig as the president's top dog (Rottweiler?) at the United Nations. Given the way the liberals have reacted to your appointment, your confirmation hearings are likely to generate more adrenalin than a gunfight in Fallujah. The thought of you representing us at the United Nations is driving the Bush-bashing, French-kissing, Blame-America-First crowd that savaged Condi Rice and Alberto Gonzales into a frenzy.

 John "Sore Loser" Kerry described your nomination as "just about the most inexplicable appointment the president could make." Your appointment confirms their worst fears: They have "misunderestimated" President Bush again. He doesn't just want to change the Middle East -- he intends to change the world!

 You've had plenty of practice dealing with hostile solons, but permit me to offer some friendly advice based on personal experience sitting at that cloth-covered table:

 -- First, recognize that the Senate Libs really do hate your guts. They will tell you off-camera that "there is nothing personal" in what they are saying during the "hearing." Don't believe them. You are the only one in the room who has to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To paraphrase Col. Jessup, "They can't handle the truth," but don't let that stop you. If you just tell the truth, Teddy Kennedy's head may finally explode.

 -- Second, remember, you know a lot more about the important issues than they do. The senators grilling you will be reading questions written for them by staffers who think themselves the smartest people on earth. Based on your expertise as the under secretary of state for arms control and international security, you are the world's expert on the dangerously inept International Atomic Energy Agency. You know far better than anyone on "the Hill" that this so-called U.N. "watchdog" is really a Chihuahua -- headed by Keystone Cop Mohammad ElBaradei, who apparently won't rest until every criminal regime on earth has the bomb.

 -- Third, it's the sex thing, John. If you want to see the Libs on the raised dais squirm, bring up the sexual malfeasance that infects every level of the United Nations. Remind them that Ruud Lubbers had to resign as high commissioner for refugees under a cloud of stink not seen since the Clinton White House. Tell 'em about the so-called U.N. "peacekeepers" in Congo who rape women and girls as young as seven and the U.N. general who molested his translator -- a young boy. And then ask the potentates of pork why these blue bonnets who leave destitute refugees with a slew of fatherless children and new diseases should be immune to prosecution.

 -- Fourth, call 'em as you see 'em, John. The bloated bigwigs attacking you aren't used to plain English. Like the striped-pants-set at the United Nations, the senators who are giving you a hard time are masters at obfuscation -- like calling a tax increase "revenue enhancement." When they try this, remind them about Rwanda, where the United Nations failed to act and 800,000 perished, or Kosovo, where the tortured remains exhumed from mass graves scream for justice. And then tell the good senators who purport to care about "human rights" that while they delay your appointment, the United Nations has "looked into" the situation in Sudan and found that while "crimes against humanity" have occurred, there's no evidence of a "policy of genocide." Tell your inquisitors who bought Bill Clinton's definition of the word is, that when you get to the United Nations, you will call genocide what it is: genocide. Continued...